What is the Worst that can Happen?

My therapist wants me to talk to people. I am not sure why. The point eludes me.

It doesn’t seem to be in the context of meeting friends or worse, a romantic relationship.

The assignment is to be more assertive and start conversations. There is a glaring problem with this.

I don’t really know anyone. So, the people I talk to are employees of where I paint pottery, shop, get my hair cut, etc.

That is a captive audience, and it feels creepy and wrong to me.

What is the end game?

No frikken clue!

The therapist asked what is the worst that can happen? She is a normal person, so people react to her as such.

I am subhuman trash, so people react to me as such.

She never really gave me a chance to respond, so I am doing it here where she will never read it.

I deserve to be ignored, laughed at, and hurt.

How do I know this?

It happens every single time.

It seems that normal people handle rejection better than I do.

At least she hasn’t pushed me into trying to find a relationship. That is a good thing.

All relationships end in pain. Every. Single. One.

It doesn’t matter if the relationship lasts 8 months or 80 years. They all end in tears.

8 months is about as long as someone can tolerate me.

Even my friendship with my dog is going to end in pain.

So, what is the point?

I don’t know how normal people deal with losing an important friendship or relationship, but this is what it does to me.

It starts off with a feeling of numbness.

Inevitably, I ask why and never get a response.

I ask if we can remain friends.

Typically, they say yes, disappear within a few weeks, and maybe say hi every few years.

When they say hi, they always tell me that they miss me.

Yet, it was their decision to leave and to miss me.

That is not terrible, but the mental and physiological responses are.

My mind gets very noisy, and I feel notably anxious, which is saying something.

I have constant butterflies.

My therapist thinks that I am cruel to myself, but what she has seen is nothing compared to the voices in my head talking to me in this situation.

Inside my chest, I feel hollowed out and cold. Until I get over it, I am cold. Even if it is over 100 F outside.

I can kneel in a shower with water hot enough to burn my skin a little. Yet, I still feel cold.

Depending on how much I liked the person, it can last months or years.

It has been 4 1/2 years since Irina disappeared, came back, and said she doesn’t want to(can’t?) marry me, and while these symptoms are slightly subsiding, they are still there.

With her, these feelings and effects were 100 times stronger.

When I am not going through that and am alone, I feel empty but not cold or massively anxious, and my days are peaceful.

Tell me, does that seem like I have nothing to lose?

I have nothing to gain!

It is easy for psychologists and psychiatrists to push me into things that are healthy for a real person because the doctors don’t have to suffer the consequences.

I would bet my house that if I could push these feelings onto my therapist and my side effects from meds on my psychiatrists or other medical people just for a week, they would not be so reckless in trying to push me into things that hurt me.

Or, maybe they would still push me into more pain.

After all, I deserve it.

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