Spiraling
What will it be like in five years? Will I even be able to walk without excruciating pain?
Even at my darkest and most pessimistic, I underestimated how hard and fast the universe would come after me. Maybe someday I will learn there is zero hope for me. Apparently, that day is not today.
I was getting back in shape. I had gotten up to 20 miles on my bike - not that great but it was a huge step forward considering all my foot pain and recent foot surgery. Between that and still being nervous riding a few years after a crash broke seven bones, it was not easy to get to this point. It seemed that 30 miles was obtainable in a few weeks, and who knows after that?
I started to feel a little happy.
We can’t have that, now can we?
Out of the blue, I started to get severe knee pain. My knees are a wreck, but I have been keeping it in check. I had no injuries. So I gave it a week. It got worse. Two weeks, even worse.
Most of the problems in my knee are degenerative: Patellar chondromalacia, tendonosis, arthritis, and a torn medial meniscus that might or might not be healed. I am not sure what issue is the problem. It is underneath and on the outside that is painful. It is so bad that it wakes me up multiple times a night.
Driving, even for 5 minutes is excruciating and makes my knee worse for the next few days. So, I can’t drive 2.5 hours to help my mom. Mowing the lawn is a challenge. I fall from time to time because of my knee, but almost always fall once or twice. Ditto for walking Ragnar.
It also causes lower leg, hip, and hamstring pain. My hamstrings hurt at night, making sleep worse so I am exhausted all day.
I went to the VA urgent care. They took x-rays, and put in referrals. As usual, nothing to relieve the swelling or pain. The VA is nothing but sadistic these days.
I demanded that they allow me to have outside care and finally have the documents to get an appointment outside the VA. The orthopedic doctors at the VA are always hesitant to do surgery. I don’t know if that is an option but prefer to go to the orthopedic office that fixed me up after my bike wreck - and even managed pain properly - instead of getting under-treated. The urgent care doc said I am in desperate need of a replacement of some sort - waiting on an MRI - and the VA orthopedic docs already told me they do it until I am 70. Why suffer for a decade and a half and then get surgery when I am too old to bike and hike? Sadism.
It might take months to get into the private clinic based on the rumors, but not sure.
I did see a psychiatrist after that med nurse debacle. Like all people in psych, he was unimpressive but he put in a consult for ketamine therapy which is what I asked for last spring. There is only one place in the area that does it, so it might be a wait. He also said we could try Wellbutrin, which is something risky but thought it might work. He agrees but due to a seizure disorder, he said I can only take a small dose and can’t go up from there. For some reason, he didn’t write the prescription. I am going to push him on it. He also wanted to try electric convulsive therapy(ECT), even though my neurologist already said no. ECT causes seizures! That is the entire point!
I honestly think that mental health workers should be required to wear a clown costume, especially psychiatrists.
I tried to get repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation(rTMS) but that is unlikely due to seizures.
I am getting a new therapist - which sucks. My old therapist refuses to see me because 12 appointments didn’t cure me of mental issues that have been ongoing and getting worse for nearly 30 years. This is the same stupid 12 visits, once every 2 weeks thing. Will probably just talk to him and see and likely cancel. Starting all the way over is not helpful. My last therapist barely broke the surface, but we were progressing, and all that work was wasted. We’ll see what happens next week.
The painful and futile “treatments” never end, but let’s see if there is any help. I am not holding my breath. I really just want to improve in one area, is that too much to ask for or will the universe punish me even more for trying.
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