The End of the Road

If you value your sanity, move along. Don’t complain to me that you ignored my warning Seriously, shoo!

I suppose it is time for me to plan how to compress who knows how many years of physical and mental pain into 6-8 weeks, and then multiply it.

That cryptic statement needs a foundation. I believe I have all of it now, so I can proceed to methods.

I should note that no justification is needed to complete this task should I actually work out a viable plan. I have written every stupid thought that I have had over the past seven years so why stop now?

As you will see, the goal seems simple enough. The obstacles to success make it an extremely difficult task where failure means an even worse and more pointless life than I have now. This is a huge risk and one of many things that gives me pause.

Sounds fun? Let’s go!

Foundation

I will try to make this short as a good portion of this site lays the foundation.

Not only has everything that I have tried ended in failure, they ended in injury. Physical, emotional, or moral. Worse, I always had to start over. Worse than that, I usually ended up in a worse place than I started.

It is why I am struggling to consistently ride my bike. I know that any gains I make will be lost because of an injury or aggravating an existing issue.

The only thing I really wanted in this life is someone to walk with, hand in hand. That seems so ordinary and common, yet is practically unknown to me.

Yes, that is pathetic but yes, it is also true.

Isn’t that what everyone wants? Most people get it. Why don’t others?

As I have written about extensively, a few years ago I almost got that. I was so close and she is amazing and beautiful and exciting. Everything I ever dreamed about and so much more. We fit perfectly. The best girl in the world.

I never believed in soulmates before but I know that she is mine, and she just might agree that I am hers, even now. I am empty and cold inside without her.

The ironic thing is that even if she decided to marry me, covid and an unnecessary and disgusting invasion would have kept her from me. Just a few months before her country, and the US, locked down is when she disappeared. If it were things out of our control I would have been able to deal with such a terrible loss better. But, as always I was explicitly rejected. She even talks to me from time to time and Irishka seems to still love and miss me. I think I still make her happy, yet I was rejected. Was the universe just toying with us? It more than feels like it.

She seemed to want the same things as I do, just like everyone seems to. As much as it hurts to think about it, I hope she finds someone wonderful. She deserves that.

If we are talking literally, in my nearly 38 years of adult life, I have had less than 100 weeks of being with someone who I could hold hands with. I don’t know the exact number of weeks. Somewhere between 50 and 100.

For the math challenged, that is less than two years in the best case and not even a year on the low end.

Thirty-six years of near-constant loneliness or neglect.

Sure, I deserve it, but does that mean that I have to suffer for another twenty year or more?

Why?

What did I do to deserve that?

Besides that, it feels like I failed to reach my potential. That seems strange to say, since I am a loser and in fact achieved that lofty status.

I think I was meant to be quiet and hidden like I am, but it seems like I was meant to do something worthwhile where I help people.

In the military, specifically my time in the coast guard, I did that. But, it was taken away from me due to medical issues that spiraled out of control.

I always felt that it was the people doing great and helpful things out of the spotlight that were the most helpful and best people. They just did it without fanfare. That is what I wanted, even if it was small but helpful things. Sometimes I think I should have gone into education instead of computer science. Even as a teen, I saw my future as a teacher. I had forgotten that until I did teach in college and felt like I missed my purpose. It was more than just teaching a subject, but being there as an adviser, cheerleader and teaching them how to learn was so gratifying. It almost made me feel human. My students even liked me and gave me evaluations that were “almost too high”. That is what the department manager said, and she said if she hadn’t given the evaluations she would have thought something was wrong.

That seems so weird that it was me. I am not that person anymore, but I wish I were.

At this point, I would like to be able to pass as human.

If I can get control of myself and my home, maybe I can volunteer and help in some small way, that seems so far out of reach.

Justifications

There are dozens of articles on this site that lay down the foundations for this article. It boils down to I am nothing. Unwanted and uncared for.

Is that enough justification? There is more.

Every day since sometime in 1995 I have been in pain. Not a single day or even waking moment where I am not in pain.

I have headaches today that would have laid me out twenty or more years ago and they barely register.

I have a long list of degenerative conditions and they will only get worse, and they also hurt every single day. In my shoulders, wrist, elbow spine, hips, knees, ankles, and feet. My feet and knees are the worst and get worse every year regardless of my exercises and prescribed meds. What will it be like in five years? Will I even be able to walk without excruciating pain?

Problems that are likely to come up are my left foot, which is relatively painless despite the same issues as my right. I am sure the bone spurs that exist on neary every bone in my body, including up and down my spine are going to cause problems sooner or later.

I am epileptic. It hasn’t been too bad the past twenty years but this year has seen a significant uptick in symptoms. No grand mals yet, but plenty of partial seizures, which in my view are worse than a grand mal.

Almost every single day is spent in silence with only Ragnar to talk to. This loneliness is making it very difficult to leave the house, even to walk him. It is extremely difficult to go out where other people are. Thank goodness delivery is so common, but it does add more costs.

As I mentioned, I always end up having to start over. That tells me that nothing I do matters or changes anything.

What is the point of doing anything and therefore what is the point of me?

Just today, I nearly passed out working for an hour in my garden. Lots of symptoms mimicking seizures and panic attacks, but weren’t either of them. Is it my age, just being in poor shape, or something else? It was weird, about 10 minutes before it happened, I had a strong sensation of fear and paranoia. It went away for a bit and then the rest happened. Six hours later, I still feel bad, but improved. Is this something new, a new manifestation of existing problems, or something else.

It is always something holding me back.

I mentioned that to escape this pointless existence, I need to compress all of my future pain into a month or two and then increase all of that pain. Why do I feel that way?

Well, the universe enjoys tormenting me. Obviously. I have had a few really close brushes to death, but I always walked away completely unscathed.

Lucky?

Ha!

No, that is too quick of an exit.

So, if I can approximate the total amount of pain coming to me over the rest of my life, then double or triple it and compress it into a month or two, that might do it.

The problem with this proposal is that I am only guessing. I could end up taking more time than I need to leading to pointless suffering, or I could pick too small of a time frame and this will fail, leaving me in a horrible place. I will likely need a few small test runs in inconspicuous places to judge the pain level required.

I also need to include the pain of MH issues and loneliness into my calculations.

On the plus side, this could be an interesting science experiment and if it happens it should be thoroughly documented.

Obstacles

So, what is stopping me?

There shouldn’t be anything in my way since it is obvious I have no value. Yet, oddly there are things in the way.

First and foremost are my kids and grandkids. I am not sure if my absence would bother them or my daughters. It is a risk that I hurt them and I don’t want that.

I was a terrible dad. I tried, but I had so many issues and was having to do much of the raising alone.

I think I am a better grandpa, but it is a much easier job. Perhaps if I were doing as well as I am now, back when my girls were little, I would have been a much better dad.

It might seem weird to read that I am better now, while I write this, but it is true. Mental illness is a disease that has a similar course that all diseases have, and I am nearing the terminal stage, regardless of what I do or don’t do.

Then there is my whiny and guilt-tripping sisters who put themselves above me by saying they would miss me. Their happiness is greater than me living in pain, apparently.

I really wanted to, and still do, want to move out of this awful country and live somewhere warm, cheap and peaceful. I have talked about it. Of course, I am not allowed any sort of freedom like that.

I am actually not complaining because those obstacles are my kids and grandkids and I would never regret them and never not want to see them as much as possible.

Risk of failure

Failure means that I am still kicking and that means that I am in far worse shape than I started.

I will be heavily scarred, mentally unwell, and depending on how far I got suffering from symptoms similar to Parkinson’s and multiple sclerosis among other neurological issues. My epilepsy could become uncontrolled.

Now that I think about it, that is exactly what I deserve, so that is not so bad.

The plan so far

If you have a weak stomach, skip this.

This is not a how-to guide or place for ideas. I will keep it lightly detailed - and not just because I have no real details.

Unlike me, you are valuable and needed. No, I don’t need to know you to say that truth.

No, that does not apply to me.

Like I mentioned above, it needs to be extremely painful over a fair amount of time. That is the only way to convince the universe to let its chew toy go.

I believe the effects need to be extreme and constant without a break. Any break could mean starting over.

If I used a typically quick and effective solution, it would undoubtably fail but leave me severely injured. The goal of this is to get me when I belong, not make things worse.

The extremeness of this and risks of failure are really making me nervous.

As you will see, I will likely need to be completely alone for two months. I might need to go on “vacation”.

I do not want to be found anyway.

So, what is the plan?

• 1 daily small third-degree burn in a different place
• Eat as little as possible
• After a month of this, a fairly minor cut daily and occasional minor amputation to move along an infection.
• After 6-8 weeks, if I am still kicking, ingest a small amount of something like thallium daily. Just a fraction of what a one-time dosage would take. That should ramp up the pain even more and if I am not at the point of no return, this will do it.

That is the plan I deserve, not the one I want. I do wish it could be different, and maybe it still can. This is not set in stone, no methods or access to material have been searched for, so can not be considered intent with a plan.

Whether this plan goes in motion depends on if there are no other options and think that I can keep my resolve and focus for at least 2 months and hope that the universe will be placated by it.

Sheesh, why does everything have to be so complicated?

Otherwise, everything I wrote in the risk of failure section will happen. If it works: eternal peace.

A terrible truth about being in my current state is that everything is hard, focus is impossible, so this might also be impossible to even start.

It might be that this is the cruelest irony in a cruel world.

Hope and the fork in the road

What is it with me and hope? Why can’t I let go of it?

What is wrong with me?

Hope is a foreign concept, yet here it is.

I guess the most hopeful thing is that I magically find relief and this post is simply something to look back on as a place I don’t want to return.

How is that for optimism?

My therapist refused to help me find peace in my loneliness when she first met me. She was quite adamant about it. Perhaps she will now that she knows me a little better?

At the end of the last appointment she said that I can’t have friends or a partner.

I went to several appointments with obviously self-inflicted cuts on the back of my hands and top of my arms. Quite a lot of them.

She didn’t say a word, so maybe she is ready to help me find peace.

She has to know that I am not a normal person and beyond help even if I was worth the effort.

Peace would probably be enough for me.

I doubt the VA would care to help me, but she might. All the VA as a whole does is try to hurt me and deny me possible treatments that might work but more importantly will not cause long term side effects. I bet I could walk into the psych wing, give the receptionist my name, address, and phone number and tell them what I am planning and walk out, and they would do nothing. As I deserve.

No, I will not actually do that.

Until the glorious end

Until the end, whenever that is, it should be me doing nothing, but I know myself. If anyone actually paid attention to me, they would think nothing is different. That is good, no one will suspect a thing. mwahahaha

So I guess for now I will continue pretending to be a human and keep doing human things.

I have been working - slowly - on different projects. Gardening, programming, even some art-adjacent things. I have even been exercising a bit, not as much as I want but pretty good considering the state of my knees and feet.

I might need to cut back on my programming projects. I have a recipe book generator, exercise tracker, a program to pick football games for non-gambling purposes, a program to teach programming concepts and working on old-style arcade games. All these projects are slowing them all down. I tend to overwhelm myself.

At least my physical state is forcing me to be cautious while gardening and while progress is slow, I think it is good progress that could be lasting. Next week, I hope to be up to 15 miles on my bike and add in more stretches and strength exercises. I am slowly setting up a small exercise room in my basement.

I have a lot of recipes I should add here. I also want to copy my recipes to an unrelated website, so maybe they will get more exposure.

Isn’t this all strange given the tone and content of this post? It might not be the end of the road but a cul-de-sac that I cannot get out of.

Who knows, maybe I will not wake up some morning, as if I am that lucky