Deja Vu

This is a continuation of my resolution to improve myself and my life, which is looking more and more like it is a waste of my time.

We shall see.

The rose at the top is my Irina rose that I planted two years ago.

Every single day is the same. So much so, that I often forget what day it is. I literally don’t need to know what day or date it is, and it doesn’t matter if I wake at 6 AM or 10 AM or sleep at 11 PM or 5 AM.

It is not like Groundhog Day predicable.

Not like that.

It still sucks, but it is also not such a bad thing.

It should be obvious why it kind of blows. Luckily, I have some self-motivation, so I don’t go all blah all day every day.

I literally could sit on my couch all day and stare at the ceiling. That would be bad.

It is a good thing because predictability confers some measure of peace and a stress-free existence.

Perhaps my life is boring. It is certainly quiet, but any drama and problems are internal. Looking from the outside, my home and life look peaceful. It is outside of my head.

Is the phenomenon of having the same day over and over again rare?

I do not think so.

People who work Monday through Friday have a similar day every day but get the weekends off. My weekends are no different from Tuesdays.

Unlike most people, I tend to stay in on weekends to avoid people. I will rarely fish on the weekends, but Thursday is nice because so few people are out.

People like to say that I am on a fixed income, which is sort of similar to every day is the same. The same amount of money shows up in my bank account each month.

How different is that from most people? Almost everyone is on a fixed income. They get the same amount minus the occasional raise, just like me.

The difference is that if I stay busy all month or sit on the couch all month makes no difference to my income.

That should be everyone’s goal: not being dependent on a job. Just not the way I did it. Seriously, go read this guy’s stuff. That is the way to do this.

That it doesn’t impact my income, regardless of what I do is the problem.

I just need to keep my motivation going and stay out of my head. Is that the big secret to making me feel that I am not a waste of oxygen?

I am trying to get to the point where I can stay focused enough to get back in my field. The problem is my age and the time out of my professional area. My projects should help with some of that, but ageism is a real thing in computing.

I could make $1,000 a month pushing grocery carts for 20 hours a week. That is money that would not be earmarked for any bill.

It could go towards a car that is $700 a month + insurance + gas. That is amusing that I could work such a job and get such a nice car. The big question is: can my feet and knees handle that? I am unsure, which is hilariously pathetic. I can bike 50 miles, but walking a long time hurts my feet and knees.

Taking 2-3 vacations instead with that money every year would be exciting.

That is poor money management.

It would also risk a large part of my disability payments if my disability rating is reduced because I am pushing grocery carts. I could lose thousands in property and auto tax breaks every year. The system is kind of sick if you really think about it. Most vets with a total disability rating can work and make as much as they can, there are two categories where they are restricted, and I am in one of them. It is not like SSI where the system purposefully keeps them down, but the VA system still needs some reform.

Could a part-time, meaningless job improve my life? Possibly. I should consult a lawyer to understand the legalese issues in detail.

With the weather improving, hypomania is returning. That is bad. Out of nowhere two days ago, I got extremely energetic, happy, and positive; for no reason whatsoever. DANGER!!!!

The depths of winter bring seasonal affective disorder. With spring comes hypomania. Seasonal affective disorder is a long-running issue, but it seems that Spring hypomania is now a thing. Whee!

It was a little unexpected as spring arrived a bit earlier than normal. It was a little jarring to have snow and depression and about a week later spring weather and hypomania.

At least summer and fall don’t trigger events like those.

I will have to do something about that before it becomes a problem, especially since I do not want another cautious and reasonable spending spree. It will be hard to avoid that this spring with so many projects that I have going on in my yard.

If I don’t keep it under control, I might end up with an awesome Bigfoot statue in my front yard.

Edit: I just got the first covid vaccine yesterday. It gave me a monstrous headache, which killed the joys of hypomania. Yay for headaches!

So, my current predictable event is not positive, but is it possible to turn the day in and day out constancy into a positive?

Outside of headache and seizure issues, and the occasional bike crash, I know what to expect every day. There are no surprises, no one to ruin my day. As I write all of this, it seems clearer that my big stumbling block is my head. Staying focused on projects that have no discernible benefit to me, even though it improves things around me, might be a path forward?

Does that make sense? Probably not, but maybe this is progress and my mental block is breaking up. Let’s see what else I can figure out in the coming weeks.

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