We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.
Orson Welles
I am alone.
As it always was, is, and will be.
Not for long, hopefully.
Perhaps it is just my usual optimistic self, but it feels like the end.
Of course, that feeling has come many times.
It obviously hasn’t come true. Not yet.
If there is mercy in this worthless world, it will come soon.
Of course, the end will not.
The Universe has never shown me real mercy.
It is always just a setup to bring more pain.
Every morning is a surprise and also sadness that another day must be endured.
Every time this feeling of impending death occurs, it brings severe depression and mild to moderate seizure activity.
Just like now, except severe pain is included.
Being the butt of the joke that the Universe plays, pain is now part of me.
A new pain that makes it hard to walk.
It is impossible to hike or ride a bike.
The very last thing that brought some measure of happiness is taken away.
Of course, that is too perfect of a punchline.
How could it be any other way?
Happiness brings pain, always.
The pain of loneliness isn’t enough suffering to please the Universe.
It doesn’t matter how many terrible nightmares of being abandoned there are.
It doesn’t matter how many times each night I wake with a racing heart and difficulty breathing.
It doesn’t matter that I go through life utterly alone.
It doesn’t matter how hurt I am in public. That no one notices, much less offers to help.
It seems I have reached maximum loneliness.
Yet, that is not enough.
More pain is needed to entertain the Universe.
Mowing the lawn today was agonizing.
Planted 4 new roses last week.
It hurt for many reasons to remove a rose plant that had more or less died.
A more beautiful pink rose was put in its place. I hope it will grow.
So much work inside and out. Even with an orthopedic boot, it is painful and dangerous.
Already almost broke an ankle and cracked my skull.
The week is not even over.
Can work for maybe 30 to 60 minutes at a time.
Spring will be over before work to have the lawn ready for spring is complete.
There are about 50 hours of work needed outside. Will never finish.
Inside there is even more work.
The work may never be finished, but it will be worked on alone.
Perhaps the foot pain will subside, but it is degenerative.
It will come back and get worse.
Just like my knees, feet, hips, and shoulder.
New pains will also come.
Does anyone doubt this?
That might be the only certainty in this worthless life.
