It is certain that the past 18 months have felt like an eternity for some. For others, it feels like 18 months ago was literally yesterday.
The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once.
What if time is happening at once? Is that possible?
Why does time feel like it is not a constant?
It is an interesting question, but is there a reason?
What brought this about is that I wanted to return an expensive keyboard I got. It is just awful. A Logitech G915 keyboard. It would randomly print text on the screen, some backlights died, and would lock up the computer now and again. A pile of junk. I thought I had got it a few weeks ago which is well within the return window on Amazon. I looked up my order and I got this thing in May 2021.
That really messed with my head.
It’s February, and Christmas seems like it was last week.
It still feels that the best girl in the world visited me a few months ago, but it has been 3 1/2 years. Maybe knowing I ruined any chance to have a meaningful and happy life with Irishka, the only person I believe that I can have that with, helped to speed up time for me.
When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes; when you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours. That’s relativity.
I make plans for the week, and the week is over before I do much of or any of it. The week feels like a day. Week after week this goes on.
How does this happen?
Perhaps it is the realization that life is pain. Everything ends in pain, happiness is a fleeting illusion. That is the only constant in life.
Of course, it is not all bad. The faster that time goes by, the sooner this pointless life is over.
Still, it is very disorienting and makes this existence, or whatever this is, that much harder.
So, what can cause this bizarre phenomenon, and what might be done about it if someone cares enough to want that?
Part of it is the fact that as one gets older, they understand time better, so it goes quickly, but it seems that there is more to this.
Time and space are modes by which we think and not conditions in which we live.
I do have severe anxiety. It is awful, it mimics a heart attack and sometimes stroke symptoms. Last night, I was 100% sure that I would not wake up and was very upset when Ragnar jumped on me because heaven forbid that he waits an extra five minutes for breakfast.
It seems that a shrink would say I am depressed since I supposedly am every day. Both major depressive disorder with psychotic features - why not just say schizoaffective? It is basically the same thing and same treatment - and dysthymia. They tell me is it called double depression with the added bonus of psychosis.
I am beyond depression. I am completely empty. I am soulless. There is nothing left in me to cause depression anymore. A person would have to care - at least a little - to be able to struggle against depression.
It seems impossible to get myself to care enough to look into doing things I wanted, but outside events have made it impossible. Like volunteering at a family homeless shelter. I just don’t want to anymore. Part of me hopes I can get back to that point, but part of me doesn’t care. It feels like my life is over, and my heart hasn’t figured that out yet.
I am aware enough to be able to fake feelings and pretend I am okay, but I am not. Others notice it also. If I go to the store, people used to ignore me. A ghost going in and out without anyone acknowledging my presence. At least not until they bump into me.
That is not the case anymore. People notice me and get out of the way. People stare at me with confused looks or even look frightened. I am not a menacing figure, so not sure what that is about. I would rather be ignored than feared.
A few weeks ago, a woman walked up to me and whispered in my ear: “everything will be okay,” and she ran off. The next morning I had the harshest seizure aura I have had in over a decade and was wrecked for days.
Even the rant about my fake Toyota had no emotion behind it. I meant every word and I accurately described it. If I were merely depressed I would not have accepted a fake Toyota - and if I did, that review would have been dripping with anger, not annoyance.
Whatever I am, it is not depression. That would be an improvement, well maybe.
Being empty has its benefits. I am so far behind my tasks in my house and yard, I don’t care. Normally I would be so stressed about it, I would be frozen because I wouldn’t know where to start. I think I will get some done. Not for me, but to get me closer to being able to sell this house, which I might talk about later in this poorly-written cry-fest.
It is odd that I can be empty, but anxiety can still bring me down. Anxiety might be the reason. The question is can I get the anxiety worse, so time speeds up even more?
I guess there are solutions to help slow time. I am beyond looking for solutions, but perhaps someone can find this helpful and that is always a good thing.
Yes, I want to burn my house down with me in it. Except, my neighbor’s house is too close. Time to sell and move out into the country, but I don’t have the energy for it, and would take years at the rate I am moving and the way time flies.
This was going to be a more scientific article, but my mind just isn’t in that place. Perhaps, I will rewrite it if I somehow improve