Meandering Musings

Everything not fit to publish

A Dragon's Regret

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A funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven't done.

Butthole Surfers (Sweat Loaf)

Over and over the dragon thinks about the last night with his princess. So much hope, happiness, regret, fear and sometimes absolute terror since that last day.

A secret that no one knows about this particular dragon is that much of the damage is caused by himself. Of course, hunters of dragons have done their fair share but the dragon joins in. He feels that if the hunter does all that damage he must have caused it in some way.

So, when the dragon is hurt, he thinks it must be his fault and the pain of bringing hurt on him sends him into an even worse cycle of self-loathing and blaming himself. He is in such a cycle and is struggling to figure out what he did and what went wrong if anything. Most importantly, what does it mean for himself and the wonderful princess?

Asking such questions, or saying anything results in silence. With no answers, he looks back at images, videos, and words written which brings both great happiness and great pain, he misses his princess. He knows the princess is struggling, but what is it that he does not know? Not knowing has always been the most painful thing for him. He can deal with the known in a fairly healthy manner, but the unknown is extremely difficult for him to handle.

He wants nothing more than to make the princess happy but is currently powerless to even try. He wants to let her know he is always here for her and will love and support her no matter what. The dragon does not know if his efforts are working or even wanted. Even though our dragon has many faults, giving up on those he loves is not one of them.

His thoughts often go back to the last night that they were together. If he had to the power to stop time, he would have done so and never started it back up. He has many regrets from that night. The princess used to make sure the dragon would take his sleeping pill every night, and he did so out of habit. He is not human and needs help to do things that humans do naturally.

The princess told him that she did not sleep, she just laid nearby and watched the dragon sleep. It is only 4 or 5 hours that were lost but that means everything to the dragon. Humans can share decades of their lives with each other. This dragon had 13 days to try to experience the love and wonder of sharing a life together. He did not know if he would ever get any more days with her, and still does not know. In fact, his future is now shrouded in complete darkness.

What he would have done in those 4-5 hours torments him daily. He could have held her, rubbed her back, whispered into her ear how much he loves her and kissed her soft lips. He could have made her laugh, talk to her about how she is feeling, what she hopes for us in the future. Anything or nothing. So many wonderful possibilities gone. He hopes it is not gone forever but he has so much confusion right now that he doesn’t know what thought of his is real.

What does not torment him are thoughts of the Saturday that his head was not doing well and he spent most of the day in bed. He is not sure what causes that, his body feels good but his brain is dead-tired. Maybe electrical overload from seizures?

Several moments told the dragon that this princess is his everything. This is one of them. What she did was nothing short of amazing, she just curled up against him and held him. No anger or annoyance about his issues, just pure love, and care. No one in the dragon’s past would have done what she did for him that day. That was one of several moments together that told the dragon that she is all he needs.

What really makes the dragon angry is that there is no need for any of this worry, except for a little sadness. He knows his princess loves him, there is no real doubt about that. Their future was always in doubt due to so many complications, but never her love. The evil hunters have damaged his mind, making this more difficult than it should be. A normal dragon would miss his princess very much but would not be paralyzed by a few weeks of silence, especially since he knew she was sad and upset about something that has nothing to do with him. Of course, a normal dragon would offer to help, as did our dragon but given his reaction, it seems our dragon is not even a normal dragon.

That frightens him and very few things truly scare him. The only thing that scares him more then the thought of losing the princess is losing his children and grandchildren.

He has mostly slept poorly. The first week or so of mostly silence was dealt with by trying to reassure himself but that fell away as fear and panic infested his mind. He would fall asleep, have nightmares, wake up with a severe panic attack and try everything he can think of to calm down. A few times he has tried to message her but he does not come off well, so she is probably aware of how bad he can be. The last two nights he has tried something new to sleep. It worked very well the first night and was finally able to have a day where anxiety did not rule him. Last night was not as good but he did wait until quite late to exercise which may have had a bad effect on his sleep.

Luckily, our dragon does not have anger issues so the messages sent during a panic attack are just whiny and pathetic. He hopes that he is not pushing her away and wants to apologize for it. He is certain he has it under control for now, and his thoughts go back to how to help her best. He wants to let her know he is still here for her so is trying to just send two short messages a day.

He is considering going to talk to someone to sort out his pathetic abandonment issues. She is not a dragon slayer, she is a princess and allowing old wounds to come up and cause her stress is not fair to her or healthy for him.

It is worse than unfair to her. He needs to do everything possible to support and love her. The dragon is being very selfish. The dragon wants and needs her, she owns his heart and soul and he would not blame her if she crushed it.

If it were possible, the dragon would fly to her kingdom right now and steal her away and spend the rest of his life doing everything in his power to make her happy. She deserves that and one miracle that she pulled off was getting the dragon to believe that he is good enough to do that. That is no minor miracle!

Other than seeking help, all the dragon can do is wait patiently in the silence, miss her and let her know that he loves her very much and is always here for her and will support her no matter what. It is difficult as he feels something is missing in his soul when she needs to go silent. She has become a part of him.

What else can he do?