You might be better off not reading this. It was written in a bout of depression and psychosis, I have been debating publishing it but it says more about my condition than I could by simply explaining it and I had started this topic but apparently it was important that I finish this while psychotic. I also resisted editing it, it is a reminder to me to be stronger and not let negative thoughts take control. It is fairly dark and fatalist, as well as poorly written and incoherent and devoid of much insight as one might expect. Consider yourself warned.
Loneliness is my least favorite thing about life. The thing that I’m most worried about is just being alone without anybody to care for or someone who will care for me.
Recent and not so recent events have brought me to a place I never thought I would be at again. In 2002, after my last girlfriend accepted $50 to dump me I thought seriously of never dating again but the thought was extremely depressing. A few months later a “friend” wanted to introduce me to her friend because she said we would get along great. So I meet her and she looks at me, laughs and walks away. My “friend” never spoke to me after that, yeah I know. It is what I deserve, but that is what made me give up.
It was rough but I thought I could just deal with it and that did not work at all. Loneliness, along with feelings from so many embarrassing rejections is not fun and very difficult to accept, even for someone like me. Rejection hurts even me, after a lifetime of it. It must be managed else loneliness would destroy me, which is actually a happy thought, then and now. I am stubborn and I do have people I care about so it is not really a viable option as tempting as it is. And it is so tempting, then and now. I am not even sure the people I love would really care.
So I hatched a simple master plan: beat myself up emotionally, hurt myself physically and get as little sleep as possible. Mostly emotionally as too many fresh scars lead to getting committed. I did that every day for many months until one day the loneliness was gone because I felt empty. Not completely empty, I still felt love for my children and didn’t lose my empathy, my desire to want to date or marry was gone and no anger towards anyone over it. That last part was especially important to me, I really don’t want to end up as one of those sad incels. I am pathetic enough.
I am not advocating that people follow my path, in fact, it should be considered to be a minefield but it works for me. Now I am facing the real possibility of needing to do it again, despite the fact that I still have the most beautiful and wonderful woman in the world in my life. Distance and so many complications make it necessary.
Sure, there are lots of articles out there about beating loneliness but they assume that being lonely is a temporary state and give pointers that are useless to me. Like “be kind to yourself” or “hang out with friends” and very laughable “be open to intimacy” and “go to public events”. Being kind to myself, especially when I don’t deserve it, is what always leads to feeling lonely. I have no friends to hang out with and intimacy? Too funny! Being alone in a crowd of people is the absolute worse feeling, it is why I stay in my house as much as possible. Even in a small group, hearing people make plans with each other is terrible. When I was an instructor in college it was hard to be in my office hearing the other grad students making plans for the weekend, hoping to get invited and afraid if they did. No one ever did. Like I said these articles are geared for normal people in a downswing not a loser with no hope for any sort of life.
I don’t fear death so much as I fear its prologues: loneliness, decrepitude, pain, debilitation, depression, senility. After a few years of those, I imagine death presents like a holiday at the beach.
The advice may be useful for someone. For people like me, there is little to do but pummel myself. I am actually not looking forward to it. My arms have just healed up after a nasty bout of depression and psychosis a few months ago and to be perfectly honest I verbally assault myself on a daily basis anyway and my sleep is already so poor I might as well not even have a bed. So, I may be stuck with it.
At least my wonderful friend has helped me get more sleep, most of it is bad sleep but after an exceptionally nice evening chatting, I do have peaceful sleep. It is wonderful reprieve, it makes me wonder if normal people sleep so well all the time.
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
We all get what we deserve and it is clear to me that this is exactly what I deserve. My only options are to embrace it or beat the crap out of myself for the next few years until I am either committed or empty again. Either way, it is what I deserve.
It is so strange, nothing has really changed other then my hope for the most amazing vacation plans for the summer are all but dashed. My day to day life, if it could be called that, has not changed. The people I love are still in my life so why am I feeling this way?
I was told my position in life is an enviable thing although I am not sure it is. What is there to be envious in being able to do what I want, when I want, when I have to do them alone? I am making plans to go fishing this spring and summer, landscaping and home interior plans, maybe go camping. The thing is that all of this will be done alone which will not help remove these horrible feelings.
Oh yes, things could be much worse and I am grateful that they are not. I am lucky to have someone to talk to, she is everything I have dreamt about and so much more, it is mind-boggling that I know such a person and she feels the same about me as I do about her. It makes me think I should never feel lonely again knowing she exists. For the first time in years, I go to bed not hoping I do not wake up. I still get to spend a little time with my granddaughter, less then it used to be, but I am eternally grateful. I am fortunate to be unable to work but at least live comfortably. It is not a position many find themselves in. I know most people in my position are in abject poverty, and I am grateful that I am not.
I have so much going for me, I have to wonder what is wrong with me that I feel even an ounce of sadness and loneliness. Are simple bad feelings really that powerful?
Loneliness is living in darkness.
I always try to make these types of writings at least somewhat positive and give some positive advice or outlook but all I see right now is darkness and I can’t see any way out.
My apologies if you read through this dreck.